rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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