The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
