you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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