Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
