I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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