I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
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