For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
