Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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