Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize