if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
