captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
