I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize