so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
