I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
