on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
