hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
