I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
