You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
