How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
