theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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