Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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