I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize