I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
