The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
