Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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