my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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