If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
