if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
