The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
