Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I forget how to act sober
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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