i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
