new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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