Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
40s are totally the cure
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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