this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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