I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Where is the hickey?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize