i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
