Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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