becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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