I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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