So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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