Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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