I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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