We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
