Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
