Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
