margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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