so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize