If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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