I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
