I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
