Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
