He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
